Funny quotes for your Monday !

Practice makes a man perfect… – But nobody’s perfect…… So why practice?

Money is not everything. – There’s MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. – They are so tasty.

Save water. – Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. – But don’t get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. – It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic – It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents – Accidents in backseats cause children

“Your future depends on your dreams” – So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day – Than waking up every morning

“Hard work never killed anybody” – But why take the risk !

“Work fascinates me” – I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; – Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two’s company, – three’s the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know – So… Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station…. What more can I say……..

Joke : Why is it always black people?

There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida.

One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.

The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes when an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying:

We have overloaded this flight.
We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the p lane won’t go down.’

Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window.

Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.

‘We are still experiencing problems. We’re sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we’re going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane won’t go down.’

‘We’re going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we’ll go alphabetically. We’ll star t with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?’

The black woman and her child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system.

‘Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now’?

The Black woman and child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system again..

‘Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now? ‘

All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child. The black woman and child continued to sit.

The child then looked up at her Mom and said:

‘Mom aren’t we all of those?’

The mother then replied to her daughter,

‘Baby, we niggers tonight and the K’s come before the N’s.’

Definitions that you won’t find in the dictionary

Here’s a list of words that has a different meaning in the dictionary but meant some other things in your life.

dictionary

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

mountain-bike

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If your’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once your’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.